病态个人与病态家庭
To End a Vicious Cycle - Start from Your Family


每日一语：

中国人个体的病态心理往往导致中国人病态的家庭观； 病态的家庭又负向地影响了儿童的心理，使他们成为病态的个体。 受虐者往往虐待他人。 要打破这个恶性循环就要从自我开始，建立健康的，独立的个体心理。 --- 陈凯

The unhealthy mental and psychological state of Chinese individuals often leads to unhealthy family environment which negatively affects children's mental and psychological development. The abused often abuse others and their own children. To break this vicious cycle, one must start from oneself by developing healthy, independent, individual state of mind. --- Kai Chen

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Dear Visitors:

In the neighborhood I live in, I have observed some curious but definite signs regarding who is taking care their household better: I noticed that almost invariably the bachelors' houses are the best kept, then the nuclear families with only parents and children. The worst kept houses, often run-down houses, are those with multiple generations (three generations often) living under the same roof. They often party a lot, but it seems no one is taking care of the house. The houses with multi-generations are often dilapitated and in desperate need of repair.

I have made some logical analysis about this curious phenomenon. I conclude that how easily a family makes decisions has a lot to to with how well the house is being kept. Those families with more than three generations living under one roof often have difficult times making any meaningful decisions, regard family matters such as maintainence of a house, or educaing children, etc. The easier the decision-making process, the better the family will take care of the house.

By this same token, to raise children in a nuclear family is maybe the best choice, without interference of the grandparents. Children in a multi-generational family household often are confused about the rules and moral codes, for different generations often have different rules and moral codes. Children who grow up in such a family tend to be less clear-minded and often manipulative in their behaviors. They know how to play games among the different authorities, they are too used to play one set of authority rule against another set of authority rule. They often get away with many unhealthy conduct and thinking. Even within the nuclear family, we often observe children play one parent against another parent. They are smart that way.

Quite often nowadays, children in some Chinese households are often raised by their grandparents. Their birth parents are often either busy making money, or making excuses by saying they are busy, in order to evade their parental responsibility. My own brother and his wife had never truly cared about their only son. They never attended his school teacher-parents meetings. They never watched his basketball games and practices. They simply just gave hims money and bought whatever he needed, but never was willing to spend meaningful time with him. He ended up being in trouble with the law and forming other unhealthy habits and conduct, being entirely neglected for so long. Surely he bears his own responsibility, but the parents' evasion of their parental responsibility is not blameless.

The unhealthy, and sick relationship between Chinese parents and children is well known. The children seem to never be able to develope independence from their parents, much like the Chinese people and their government, since "parental government" is always how the Chinese see the authority. There has never been a healthy stage of separation between the Chinese parents and their children. And somehow putting one's own spouse and children ahead of one's parents is considered evil in Chinese tradition. Parents not only meddle into their children's normal day-to-day life such as opening their private letters and emails when they are young, but often arrange their childrens' marriages when they are adults.

There has never been a healthy stage of development of independent individual human beings in a Chinese family. No wonder all the Chinese seem crippled when they left home. Mentally and psychologically, they are handicapped with their inability in decision making and risk taking. Somehow all the Chinese are so afraid being alone to make their own decisions. They feel panicky when being alone. They are negatively trained from very young, not to be independent, not to be alone, not to take risks, not to leave home and the protection of their parents and the familiar environment. They are simply scared out of their wits when they leave home, scared to death by making decisions alone and bearing that very responsibility, alone.

The sickness in the Chinese family environment permeates through a child's entire life. And when he grows into adulthood, he will pass on this very same sickness to his children. Generation after generation, the Chinese individuals never grow up, never are independent, never take risks to realize their potentials... You wonder why today the Chinese society is in such a dilapitated state, in such a disarray, not able to manage their own state of affairs. If you take some time to analyze the Chinese sick family structure and its pathological inner workings, you will not be surprised by the fact that Chinese society is just as sick as the Chinese families.

I only raise this topic for all of you to reflect on how you grow up, how you are brought up, how you continue to walk the same path in damaging your children's independence and future so they can't develop into an integrated being, capable of decision making and risk taking. I hope to get you guys to respond with honesty, insight and courage.

Best. Kai Chen 陈凯